Relationship Review: Know When to Hold 'Em, Walk Away Or Run! *

Relationship Review:
Know When to Hold 'Em, Walk Away Or Run! *
By Stevan Gaskill

When it hurts, and keeps hurting, and the person causing the hurt doesn't seem to care even when you do your best to communicate the hurt - it's time to let go.

When you are the one calling, texting, sending messages, emailing and initiating the conversations (or sex or any other interaction) and find that there is no initiative from the other person - it's time to re-evaluate how much of a relationship this is. How valuable do you consider yourself that you would be the only one (or the one who mostly) initiates relating? This is something for you to think about. Look into how it makes you feel and communicate with the other person. Find out what is real for the both of you. The results might surprise you.

When you share how you feel with someone and this person does not show interest in how you feel, no sympathy, no compassion, no discussion about it - but yet for other reasons this person gets quite excited and interested (like having sex or going shopping), then it’s time to look at the reason you are in this relationship. How much time do you want to give others that aren't contributing to your growth and well-being?

When you: get more criticism than encouragement, feel like you cannot be honest for fear of a negative reaction, are afraid for any reason at all, or feel obligated in any way to someone, it is time to look at yourself and ask why you would be involved with someone with whom you feel this way. There are times when we feel all kinds of ways. This happens in the getting-to-know you phase and throughout the life any relationship. There is no constantly pleasant and happy feeling when it comes to really getting to know others and yourself. Yet when you have reactions like those just mentioned on some kind of regular basis, you should ask yourself what’s keeping you there.

A relationship is how we relate. Just because we call each other friends, brothers or lovers doesn't mean we relate (or what I call "mix") well together. How we both feel as a result of our involvement is a huge part of the essence of the relationship. Feelings matter. Our feelings do not dictate who we are, but they are insights into what our intentions and needs are. Pay attention to how you feel and to the feelings that your partner(s) share with you. They matter much more than people seem to realize.

Draw close to those with whom you feel good. When you notice that you feel good (in general and about yourself) in the company of certain people, continue to spend time with them. Tell them "Thank you" for sharing their time and how good you feel when they do so. If you can, point out what in particular they do or what qualities they have that contribute to your feeling so good (be that emotional, conversational, temperament, sex, whatever it is!) and that you look forward to spending time with them again.

Let go of those with whom you do not feel good. Pay attention to the choice you make to keep spending time with others even though you tend to feel bad or less than excited to spend time with them. This is your life, your time, your energy that you are giving to another person - and for what? For what reason? Sure, you might care about them and discuss how you feel when you're with them in hope that they will respond with some change. That would be great if they pay attention and make some changes in how they treat you or listen more or whatever. But how much change do you want others to make in themselves just so you can feel better?

We don't owe each other anything. Honesty and information about how we feel just might be the best way to find out where we fit in with each other. Without changing each other, can we love and respect each other just the way we are? Can we tolerate each other’s company? If not, can we agree to part ways with that honesty in mind, that we simply do not fit well together? There are enough people to go around for everyone to have company. Why spend it with anyone but those that delight you and make you feel good?

This perspective is selfish. I know. It is very selfish. It is selfish in a way that some will find repulsive and offensive. Yet I believe that it is a perspective that can bring so much more joy to the world. When I catch myself complaining about how others act or treat me, I stop and ask myself what options I have to alleviate how I'm feeling. My feelings are my responsibility. They are my feelings. I own them and take care of them. The first option is to communicate how I feel, if I'm really interested in the person. If they're interested in me, they'll take my feelings seriously and engage me in conversations that build mutual respect and understanding. But what if they're not that interested in how I feel? What if that's just the way they are? Instead of getting Person A to change so that I feel better, I can much more effectively either change my expectations or myself. And if over time what I get is mostly unpleasant, I can let it go. There isn’t any need to be dramatic or have multiple conversations about the same thing. It's okay. Let it go. And the results are fascinating. I have more time to myself. I enjoy my own company, and I’m not complaining about others or feel obligated to do anything with anyone.

What time I spend with others is time that I look forward to spending. I have met some amazing and loving people who enjoy my company as much as I enjoy theirs. We make time for each other and we respect each other. We don't need each other. We desire each other. There's a difference. It is a delight to spend time with them and I feel that the relationships are based on honest mutual affinity and not other reasons that might lead eventually to resentment (family ties, length of time having known the person, marriage, etc.). Any reason that we use to obligate others to spend time with us doesn't seem fair to either of us. If we don't mix well, why mix? I suppose there's some value to challenging myself to get over my feelings and tolerate others, but I'm talking about "close" relationships, leaning toward intimate. Boundaries, hello? They work.

I'm open to feedback. I'm not sure I will always feel this way and neither do I purport to have the answer to anything. These are just my sincere feelings and opinions. Much peace and happiness to you all - Love, Stevie (Fitz) G.

* (From the lyrics to "The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers)