Disability

Disability
By Cosgrove

Disability is something I find people don’t want to talk about. I know several people on disability that keep it to themselves. However, I have many questions, which I would like to ask them. I don’t want to go on disability but yet I am faced with that possibility because of complications related to the HIV virus. I applied for disability more than six months ago, and I am still awaiting the outcome. The decision for me to go on disability was a difficult one, and I am still wringing my hands over it.

I am nauseous every day and am plagued with diarrhea. And, I have no appetite to eat. I am exhausted every day, and no amount of rest helps. These health issues peck away at me like the old “Chinese water torture” I used to hear on Halloween records as a kid. I can’t help but wonder how long this slow ebbing of my health will take.

If I go on disability, I have to admit that I have lost control of my health. I feel like a failure. I look around me and see other HIV-identified men leading a much more vibrant lives. I wonder why I take so many medications while those around me, like my partner Jeff, take so few pills. The world flies by me at such a fast pace while I am struggling just to get out of my house for a few errands. I have lost control and no matter what I do, I can’t fix it. My body is betraying me.

If I go on disability my social status will change. Going on disability will change my financial situation and I will no longer be able to afford to do some of the more mundane things, like spontaneous dinners or unexpected movies. As the economy worsens, I will have to be more diligent about my savings.

If I go on disability, I may have to think about housing issues. Currently, I am comfortable but only because Jeff makes a good living. With disability looming, I must consider the future. Jeff could lose his job or, God forbid, something more serious could happen. Then what? I have no idea how to maneuver in the system to find suitable housing. These are just a few of the things that scare me.

If I go on disability, I won’t be able to marry my partner. The federal government won’t recognize my marriage if I had one, but they will recognize it when it comes to disability and they combine incomes of married gays. My struggle for disability has come before my right to marry. Maybe marriage is only for those who can afford it and people on disability can’t afford the right?

If I go on disability, I must face the largest issue at hand, anxiety and stress. The process for going on disability has taken more than six months already. This means the entire time I am awaiting a decision, I have no income. When, and if, I am approved for disability, I will be living on a lower income. If I go on disability, I will probably find myself immersed in an overcrowded system with overworked employees. As the economy fails and social services are cut, it will make life extremely difficult for those of us who will rely on the system to help us.

If I go on disability, I must face the fact that my health has deteriorated. I am not as healthy as I used to be and I need help. I find it embarrassing to be applying for disability. I find it shameful, and I think I am weak for not being stronger or healthier.

If I go on disability, I think I will begin to lose my hope. Or at least I fear that I will.