Jesse

Hometown: Los Angeles, CA
Positive Since: July 15, 1993
Relationship Status: Partnered
Age: 46
Favorite Book: “Goodbye Jeanette” by Harold Robbins

I was born in Los Angeles, “The City of Dreams.” I was smart, cute, popular and social from a young age. My family was the typical low-income black family, riddled with issues. My father was an alcoholic, but a man with great charisma and charm who everyone loved. My mother was an abused wife with low self-esteem. Our life was good materially; I never remember being hungry, always had a roof over my head and holidays and birthdays were lavish and exciting.

My family migrated to Oakland, CA when I was eight, with my two brothers and my sister. In school I excelled in my classes and got along with others. I did have my share of fights and scrapes, but for the most part I had a happy childhood. I had girlfriends and neighborhood boyfriends growing up. I remember my brothers and I playing with dolls, while my sister, the most uninterested one, played with us. It turns out we were all gay, but like the typical dysfunctional family (the pink elephant syndrome) it was never discussed. My mother and father were negative towards my older brother concerning his sexuality. One day my mother ease-dropped on a conversation between him and a guy, and all of us, myself included, called him a “sissy and faggot” with such vehemence. Talk about internalized homophobia.

Two major things happened when I was 17; my father died, and shortly after graduation I broke it off with my girlfriend and fell in love with my first love, John. I was with John passionately and tumultuously for seven years ending up in Atlanta, where he was shot dead by a neighbor. I came home to witness blood-splattered walls. My mother flew me home to Oakland after his murder. Even though my mother, who transformed her life by going back to school to get a R.N. nursing degree, was my biggest supporter, I still felt alone. I was a traumatized youth with no one to talk to because I wasn’t out to anyone. I always carried a constant fear of being confronted about my sexuality, so I kept quiet about the pain and started drinking heavily and eventually became hooked on crack. I started losing jobs, and my life took a downward spiral for the next four years, but I could not help it. The crack was the only thing I felt took away the pain of the loss. Eventually, I realized I had an addiction that was out of control.

I met my next partner, Matthew, and for a while being in love gave me the motivation I needed to try to change. I went back to work and we moved into an apartment, staying together for three years until he died of AIDS. One year after that my oldest brother and many of my friends died from AIDS.