Sexuality And Loss Of Libido
Sexuality And Loss Of Libido
By Cosgrove Norstadt
Sex is a great topic when we all have something to share. Stories of great love. Tales of an ultimate conquest. Sex can be a very salacious topic and, I would guess, most people find it to be a bit titillating.
I have had my share of sex and thought of myself as a very sexual person. I was very sexually active before I had gotten into my relationship and continued to be sexually active after I began my relationship. My partner and I were very open and honest about it and it never got in the way.
Things change over time, though, don’t they?
I am on a myriad of medications with many side effects. One of those side effects is a secret shame that I cannot talk about as openly as I would like. There is shame and embarrassment attached and I find myself, not necessarily hiding, but purposely not disclosing my decreased libido.
As I have mentioned before, I take about 12 medications a day now. My side effects are many but the one that troubles me is the sexless man I have become. I live in a community that is a very sexually oriented. We have sex clubs. We have bookstores. Men hook up in bars. But, where does a eunuch fit?
My partners are very understanding and do not have any expectations from me sexually. We have found a different way of expressing our love. We are much more affectionate and more verbal with one another. Rarely do I pass by one of them without a little scratch on the head or tug of the toe. I make sure that they know I am still connected.
I also keep my communication with them open. I often bring up the subject of our non-sexual life together so that we do not have one of those ugly elephants in the room. I check in to see if they are feeling neglected or even rejected. Talking about it helps us to take away the power of the dreaded word: Impotence.
I have given my partners the option of taking their sexuality outside of the relationship and finding other outlets. Maybe a friend with benefits or their own exploration of a sex club. So far, this has been of no interest to them.
Part of being in a relationship is having to deal with the issues that come up day to day. It is easy to face health issues because they are obvious and in our faces. Lack of appetite can’t be hidden. Frequent trips to the bathroom are obvious. And, weight loss can only be hidden by so many baggy clothes before it is noticed.
What of sex? Sex slowly disappears and goes into a closet of sorts. In most cases that I know of, the partner who is still sexually interested sneaks around behind the others back. Frustration grows between the couple and they find themselves distant. Sitting on opposite sides of the room they watch television and over time, even conversation begins to stop.
It is important to address impotence and loss of libido. It is another symptom of the medications we take. Many HIVers take anti-depressants, which can dull the libido. It is important to talk about this with our partners. It is another side effect of being HIV positive that we rarely acknowledge. It took me a long time to even have the discussion with my doctor. But when I did, he had suggestions that might increase my libido and give me back a part of myself that I lost. So, we must lose the shame and talk bravely and openly about our diminished sex drives.
Sexuality is important to all of us whether we are in a relationship, single, gay or straight. We can find ways to be sexually active without actually having sex, as we know it; erections and some sort of penetration. Those of us who find that our libido is diminished can find partners who are understanding and willing to explore different venues to sexually satisfy us. We just have to be brave enough to say it out loud and get the communication going.
Cosgrove
Cosgrove Norstadt was born the youngest of four in Ohio in 1963. His father was a Navy Corpsman who passed away before Cosgrove’s mother discovered she was pregnant. His mother was a teacher and taught in the high school Cosgrove attended. She passed away several years ago at the age of 80 after a long battle with Parkinson’s disease.
Cosgrove spent the last several years of his mother’s life caring for her, which were the most cherished days of Cosgrove’s life. Always a deep thinker, Cosgrove found his thoughts making their way to paper during this time in his life–the beginning of Cosgrove’s writing career.
After graduating high school, Cosgrove decided it was time for a change in his life, so he left the city he spent his whole life in and set down new roots in New York in the early 80s. This was his first involvement with the AIDS community. He was involved in Dignity/NY, The People with AIDS Coalition and AIDS Ministry/NY, founded by the Rev. Bernard Lynch.
Having always had an interest in acting and film and television production, Cosgrove left the East Coast in the late 90s and moved to Los Angeles, where he successfully worked as a casting director for many years.
After sero-converting in 2001, Cosgrove began to work with the HIV/AIDS community again. It was during this time that he started writing and documenting his experiences as an HIVer. He worked for a short time with Being Alive in Los Angeles and traveled around LA to speak to high school students about HIV/AIDS education.
In 2003 Cosgrove and his life partner Jeff moved to San Francisco, where they still reside. Having left his career, his friends, and his home behind in Los Angeles because of his crystal methamphetamine addiction. Cosgrove sought a new perspective and a new voice in San Francisco, and he found it.