What If Everyone Deep Down Inside. . .is Gay?

By Stevie G.

You know, life is soooooo funny. I had a really great Thanksgiving with friends - long-time friends, too - who actually came up from Los Angeles (I live in Oakland) to hang out with me and enjoy the holiday. They took so long to get here, what with holiday traffic in Los Angeles the way it was, it took 4 hours to just get beyond the actual county lines. But I digress.

Something occurred to me while my buddies were visiting for the holiday, about which we had a long conversation, and which has stayed with me until this moment, gaining more and more traction in my map of how we become who we become in our individual and group identities.

I have had questions since I was old enough to notice how people, most often, seem to react with fear and revulsion to sex in general and homosexuality in particular. To be more pointed, I have often wondered as I've grown up how something that has always seemed so natural to me psychologically, biologically, emotionally and otherwise, would seem so unnatural and repulsive to nearly everyone else. I grew up wondering if something was really wrong with me. I did learn over time that there was what was considered the "proper or appropriate" time and place for things. But even in private I began to see how weird people are about sex and how men are about same-sex sex.

In my attempt to conform to society's standards and others' expectations, I remember trying not to think of or notice how attractive inwardly and outwardly I found other males, and that felt weird, silly and pointless. It didn't work for one reason, I was just pretending. Over time it became clear it was only for others' sensitivities that I would even do that. I suffered actually from years of depression doing a lot of pretending like that. I've come to find out a large proportion of our population are in the same boat.

So, by the time I was in my freshman year in college, I had grown up enough inside to feel okay with my own reactions, responses and urges that were more often associated with qualities I found in males. I still had an amazing array of emotional and mood-swingy kind of issues, but I was clear about who and what I found attractive and why. I allowed myself more often to simply engage with other men with whom I felt a mutual affinity, regardless of who spoke to whom first. I rarely acknowledged my interest beyond a common sense of friendliness, but I always looked for some sign that my interlocutor was possibly just being reserved like me and had some interest beyond cordiality or neighborliness.

Even then - during those many moments of innerly anxious wondering while I learned to maintain my cool and not look so hard into another man's eyes, nor stare at any other parts of him too long - I remember pondering how it could be that I felt so alone in my desires, how I could be such a rare type of human being that found others of the same sex alluring and attractive and comforting amongst many other pleasurable sensations. It was so confusing. I felt, and others agreed, that I was a pretty logical person, though given to bouts of silliness, emotional dramatic flair and a touch of arrogance. Logically, it just didn't make sense that something that seemed so clearly good to me was not also good to others. What could it be that prevents others from even thinking or experiencing the joy of sex and same-sex sex, I would wonder.

Generally people are attracted to attractive things, including other people. It seemed to make sense that a beautiful man would be beautiful to just about anyone, not just to me and other women, but also to other men. How could it be that I was one of a small number of men who have a healthy and natural appreciation, acknowledgment and reaction to other attractive, sexy men? I know lots of people would say that that is what being gay is, finding our own sex attractive. But when you think about it, men find each other attractive all the time. We see it in our art, sports, fashion and other arenas. We not only find each other attractive, we get turned on by that attraction. Yet only the ones who call themselves gay get to acknowledge this fact. Something just doesn't add up.

What is it, I've wondered and wondered, that causes people to be so uptight about something that is simply true, that doesn't really have to even be a problem? I've been letting that unanswered question sit in the craw of my mind for decades and suddenly it hit me during my buddies' visit: PEOPLE ARE GAY. Men and women ARE naturally attracted to the same sex, for a few simple reasons: 1) a common reference point that helps us better understand and sympathize what it is like to be one's own sex (emotionally and physically); 2) a natural affinity for others with whom we feel supported and reinforced in our identity, and often with whom we have like interests; 3) a much greater convenience and access to others of the same sex (due to the segregation of the sexes in private, intimate areas like bathrooms, locker rooms, etc.) and 4) we have a sense of trust with others who feel as though they will have our best interests in mind (another man would be more likely to support my interests as a man and understand more easily how to do so).

It wasn't just those reasons that popped into my head, as simple as they may sound, that enlightened me. It was the thought process of looking at how much effort our culture puts into programming people to be heterosexual, and the fear so many people have of homosexuality as though there is some DANGER to it. What danger could homosexuality pose unless there is the possibility that heterosexuality is not as intrinsic and fixed as we are taught to think? If sexuality and attraction to others is not so rigid, and people have a natural urge to be attracted to the same sex, then it would be problematic to allow people to feel free to pursue that urge (at least for those industries, entities and traditions that depend upon the heterosexual model to survive and thrive).

Think about that. . .people are afraid that straight people will be transformed (or somehow tricked? I don't know) into being gay or bisexual. It is confusing unless we take it seriously. Even that thought goes unacknowledged, but is the core fear that people have. It's amazing that I had not really thought about it before. As I ponder it further, I wonder what it must be like for straight people to live out there lives in fear that they might turn gay some day, by being exposed to too much homosexuality or perhaps even engaging in same-sex intimacy or sex.

The irritation and anger that men especially have in reaction to simply being in close quarters or "gay" situations is explained by this logic: they're afraid not only of seeming to be gay or be thought of as gay by others, but also afraid of actually turning gay or having to face the horror that they might already BE gay. This whole train of thought helps me understand why my sister many years ago complained, "If we made it okay to be gay, then everyone would just be gay!" I, understandably, was left stunned by this proclamation which she said with utter matter-of-factness and irritability. How odd it sounded to me then. What in the world. . .now it all seems to be making sense.

I need a drink after this one. It's still hard to believe, but the more I think about it, the truer it looks, feels and sounds. Any thoughts in support or opposition is appreciated. Peace, Stevie G.